A lot of people present self esteem development as simply being a matter of doing nice things for yourself.
Most of us know that increasing our self esteem will help us live fuller lives and have better relationships, but how exactly do you do this?
A lot of people present self esteem development as simply being a matter of doing nice things for yourself. True self esteem comes from hard work and challenging yourself. Persevering through difficulties, facing fears, overcoming challenges, making difficult choices and changes. These are the things which truly develop self esteem. Here are 9 ways to do that.
Finding Meaning
I think a lot of efforts to develop self esteem involve focusing only on ourselves. Good self care is important and I will examine this further below. But it isn’t everything. Human beings are social creatures. We live in and are affected by the society which surrounds us. I believe that disconnecting from this and isolating ourselves leaves us empty and contributes to the depression which is so prolific in modern culture. To truly feel good about ourselves we have to feel part of our community in some way. We need to feel that we are making a contribution. The way in which one does this is unique to every individual. But connecting to and participating in something bigger than yourself contributes greatly to your own sense of self worth. Find a meaning. Find a cause. Find something which is important to you and create it, build it, defend it.
Self Care
Developing good self care techniques is necessary not only for developing self esteem, but for maintaining good mental and physical health. But good self care is not simply a matter of being “nice” to yourself. Sometimes it requires making some tough choices; i.e. changing your diet, starting an exercise regimen, etc.
Self Talk
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. If you are delivering a constant stream of name-calling, put downs, insults or negative language to yourself it’s almost impossible to have a good sense of self esteem. Developing healthy and appropriate self talk is almost as important as developing good self care.
Choose Your Heroes Carefully
Don’t let the television determine who your mentors are. Think for yourself and make your own choices. I think we are too passive about letting the media choose our idols or heroes. Selena Gomez, Hilary Duff, Beyounce, and Kesha may be famous and may have millions of dollars, but are they really people we want to learn about life from? Personally I don’t find that I have learned anything from them or find their stories or words inspiring.
Choose Your Relationships Carefully
You can also make choices about your friends. If you surround yourself with negative, hypercritical friends this cannot help your self esteem. I’m not suggesting that you surround yourself with people who won’t tell you the truth and give you nothing but positive feedback – that’s false. I don’t consider that a friend. In my opinion a friend is someone who will give you honest feedback when you ask for it, but do it with compassion and kindness. They tell you the truth, but they don’t attack or belittle you. They don’t bring you down, just keep you real. Look at who you spend the most time with and how your interactions with them affect you. You might need to make some changes.
Find Your Passion
If you haven’t found what excites you, explore. We spend an awful lot of our lives working. If your work is not your passion, if it is only for the money, if it is only because your family expects it of you – think again. Work that is depressing or unfulfilling sucks an awful lot of energy out of your life. You spend all day at this. Choose carefully. Change if you need to.
Stop Dressing for Success and Dress to Express
Express yourself. I don’t wear what other people think I should. I wear what is comfortable. I wear what I feel good in. I wear things that express who I am as a person. If you live in a situation where you are not free to express who you really are, you may need to make some different choices. Living a lie, maintaining a facade everyday also sucks a lot of energy and reinforces in your mind that you are not “O.K.”
Challenge Yourself
If there is something in your life which is plaguing you, grab it by the horns and change it. If there is some behavior which bothers you, i.e. procrastination, money management, being on time, being better organized, etc. tackle it. Getting a handle on something which has been handling you will increase your self esteem and make your life more manageable.
Face a Fear
So often we are taught to run from or medicate our fears. This may work in the short term, but it doesn’t develop self esteem. Self esteem comes from overcoming something, from fighting your way through to the other side and knowing you beat it. Be sensible about the fear you choose to overcome and be reasonable in how you choose to overcome it, but try it and see if you don’t stand a little taller.
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